Published November 13, 2007
[pre]His warm blood seeped into my cuts,
I could feel it changing me.
A pain like ice ripped through my whole body,
Causing an excruciated cry to tear through my throat.
I tried to stop my tears,
Because I knew this was what I wanted.
The metallic taste of blood streaked across my tongue,
But I didn’t mind.
It tasted strangely good to my new self,
Giving in to my craving.
The craving all but consumed me,
I had to give in.
He put his wrist to my lips,
My teeth willingly sank in.
His eyes glowed with slight madness,
I was his now.
That thought comforted me,
As did his presence.
His cool arms wrapped around me as I released his wrist,
Its instant healing a sign of many things to come.
I heavily sighed as he held me against his chest,
I could hear no heartbeat.
“Is it over?” I murmured,
As the pain thankfully subsided.
“Oh yes,” he replied,
Thirst finding its way into his eyes.
“Oh yes.”[/pre]
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,925 Literary Works • 673,749 Reviews
Hmm, I agree. It would be better as a story, few peoms have dialouge in them. So, try converting it to a story, it would be a lot better.
Not trying to be harsh!
(I'm also a fan of vampires, feel free to PM if you have any questions about my critique)
~Spirit
this reads like prose, it might be better as a story.
small grammer detail: you say It's once where you should use its (line 20)
so whats happening? shes changing? but shes already a vampire, how could she be changing any more? shouldnt HE be the one sucking out her blood, making her a vampire? if she changed him into a vampire why is she in pain? the plot is a bit confusing
and once again id like to say that i think this would be better as a story, not a poem.
besides that, nicely written, it kindof gave me shivers, that could just be because i dont like blood.....but either way it's nicely written.